Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them

Dear Anger Guy,

My husband is almost always angry about something. He often yells but says he isn't yelling.  He tries to convince me that I'm too sensitive. How do I know if he is overreacting or if he is right...that I am being too sensitive?

~ Confused

Dear Confused,

It sounds like your husband uses anger to get his way.  He’s learned that his anger and controlling behavior gets him what he wants and that acting out his anger is a great way to make that happen. Your husband’s behavior is not appropriate or typical, and it is not okay.  You are not being too sensitive.  In fact, you're probably not being sensitive enough because you still put up with it!

My guess is that you walk on eggshells around him; worried that you will do or not do something that will set him off.  You probably focus on his needs before your own.  And no matter how hard you try it feels like whatever you do is never enough.   He probably says, "If you would just change then I wouldn't have to yell.”   What's really happening is that he needs you to change so that he doesn't have to. 

Believe it or not, his aggressive and controlling behaviors are due to underlying feelings of powerlessness and low self-esteem.  He compensates for feeling “less than” other people, namely you...by acting the opposite (he acts powerful).  What seems like an abundance of security and self-confidence is actually a way for him to hide his fear that you will find out that he isn't the strong, confident guy he wants you to think he is.  He has no idea that he feels like this...it's mostly unconscious.  All he knows is that you make him angry and that he feels like a jerk after taking out his anger at your expense.  And he does it over and over and over, right?

So are you oversensitive?  I don’t think so.  You are probably reacting to him the way most people would.  Your instincts are telling you this is wrong.  And although what is happening to you is not right nor just, the reality is that it is your responsibility to deal with it.  And until you decide that you do not deserve to be treated this way nothing will change. You will stay focused on the problem and not be able to see the solution.  

Once your mindset changes and you draw a line in the sand, he will protest but will likely begin to change; reaching out for help if you demand it.   Regardless of what he says and how he acts, the last thing he wants is to lose you. To him, you are all he has.  Nevertheless, remember that this is his problem, not yours...and like you, only he can decide to change.